You’re not starting from the same place…

Why don’t people leave bad situations? FEAR..

It’s the FEAR that needs to be talked with and understood. It’s not as easy as logicising Fear as IRRATIONAL – all Fear is completely rational from the viewpoint of the person experiencing it.

When you experience life from within the structure of Fear, because that’s what you know, then, strangely, Fear becomes a sort of uncomfortable, unwanted, yet safe zone. Yes it’s muddled up. And that’s the point.

Life becomes so chaotic and muddled you can’t think straight as Fear wraps its way around you, binding you tighter and tighter to a situation you know – somewhere – you don’t really want to be in. But you stay. Sometimes for a long time, maybe even a lifetime.

It might be a relationship, a job, a country, the pursuit of a dream, and from within it all there’s one thing you absolutely DO know – you’re unhappy……and of all the things people strive for, the main one is simply to be happy. 

If it’s simple to be happy, what makes it so damn hard to achieve or at least maintain?

FEAR. When people lash out, often what’s underneath it all is internalised Fear. When people clam up, can’t/won’t/don’t speak about what’s going on inside, it’s Fear sealing them in. When people stay in bad situations, it’s Fear keeping them there because it shuts down the view of a better alternative.

Most people fear not being understood; they fear if they leave they’ll be unsupported, life will be too hard on their own, they’ll be poor, homeless, they’ll feel guilty, they’ll hurt someone, be alone forever, they won’t know who they are, they won’t have the resilience to make it through, they won’t have the skills to survive.

And there it is – Survival. One of the most basic of human needs, and Fear plays on it because Fear is a construct of the Ego, which can only base its judgements on the past projecting them into the future. Never Now. 

Fear comes from the past – that’s why it has to be spoken with, understood, re-explained and redirected from where you are now, not where you were. Now is different to Then. 

When you learn how to speak with Fear from the Present you can unravel what it’s tangled around.When you understand what it was/is Fear is trying to protect you from, you are left with an alternative. EXPERIENCE. And POWER. 

It is from this place in the Present, with a better understanding of the experience of fear, you are left with an Experience from which you can begin to lay the foundations for more happiness in life.

Your decisions don’t come from Fear, they’re coming from understanding yourself better. You become powerful enough to change fear into an ally for Growth. And that’s a far more positive and helpful place to start from…

(PS Always reach out to the Wise Guides for help – you don’t have to be a student of the School to book in with the Wise Guides)

It’s about belonging, acceptance, vaidation and avoidance of loneliness.

The need to belong drives people to stay in destructive relationships. They change their behaviours to “succeed” in the group or with a particular friend or relationship.

They’ll engage in exhausting social comparison that leads to adopting the same behaviors and attitudes of the most prominent members of the group/friend/partner in order to conform and gain greater acceptance. 

Sometimes people find themselves doing and saying things that they KNOW isn’t “them”; they feel competitive with other “friends”, feel like they’re walking on eggshells, riding an emotional roller-coaster, unseen because the Other does all the talking, they do all the calling, messaging and arranging, and are the recipient of some brutal criticism – and they suck it all up.

Why? Because the alternative seems too painful. 

True friendships are balanced, equal and each person’s needs are acknowledged not overlooked. Getting out of a toxic relationship does take a litlle effort and sometimes a bit of external help – you can start by reflecting on the relationship, its history, how you got together, your needs at the time and now – people naturally change over time – and if this relationship is really as critical to you as it once was.

Then there’s the acknowledgement that this relationship is hurting you and by staying in it you’re hurting yourself – again, this one is often helped out with one of the Wise Guides because there’s something in you that needs to be heard and resolved too. 

Sometimes it’s about learning to set boundaries and find your voice. Depending on where your reflections lead you about this relationship, a few Wise Guides conversations can help you to practice setting boundaries and speaking up.

And The Wise Guides can also help you to decide if you want to let it go…